The Price of Quatroformagio (with extra olives)
by Janine1
Summary: Mwahahahaha! A fic I happened to pull out of my brain. Kind of an angst at the beginning.
1. Prologue

The Cost of Quatroformagio (with extra olives)  
  
Janine Morris  
  
AN: This was just an idea that popped into my head. You know those where they get in your head and you have to stop everything and write them? Yeah, this is one of these! Sorry! I know, I should finish the ones I started before I start a new one. might be awhile before this is updated. Disclaimer: You all know who the characters belong to. I suppose a few of them belong to me so to speak. Dedication: FoolishLover for helping with the plot and the name! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!!!  
  
Prologue  
  
Yvonne McGruder cradled the small baby boy in her arms. Matt was only a month old. She didn't know what she was going to do. She could barley afford the small apartment on Miranda that she was living in. Food and diapers were eating up her expenses. She promised herself to love her child no matter how much he ruined her life. She missed her days as the female boxing champion on Red Dwarf. It wasn't a bad way to go. When she was on Red Dwarf she was strong. She could take anyone. Here, she was a lonely poor single mother with a child she could barley care for, and the red bill increasing by the day. On top of that she was sleep deprived and unemployed. It was amazing what one drunken night in a coma could do to your life.  
  
Yvonne kissed Matt on the head. He had just recently fallen asleep from a nonstop crying fest that was beginning to become a daily occurrence. She finally had the quiet moment to think. This beautiful baby boy was the result of a drunken horny liaison that only lasted only 12 minutes. Her thoughts had been interrupted by the sound of honking horns and car alarms outside. Couldn't she get a moment to herself? There was a knock at the door. Yvonne slowly opened the door with one arm. And held on to Matt with the other. It was the apartment manager.  
  
"Yvonne, I have been patient with you long enough, I need the money for your rent and I need it now!" he said.  
  
Yvonne hesitated. "I promise I'll have it for you. in a week! You have to give me one more week, sir!" She begged. She cradled Matt, hoping he would see her state of distress.  
  
He sighed. "McGruder, this is your last chance! I need that money! I'll be back in a week, and if you don't have it I'm afraid you cannot stay here!" he shouted.  
  
She agreed and gently shut the door and tucked Matt into bed. "I won't be long, Sweetie." She said, just before kissing him goodnight and walking out the door. 


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1  
  
"Lister! Can't you see the 'No smoking' signs?" Rimmer shouted.  
  
"Ye' I see em'." Lister replied, taking a puff of his cigarette.  
  
"Well would you please kindly follow them? I feel like I'm in a French smoke shop!" Shouted Rimmer.  
  
"Oh Come on, Rimmer. Can't I just have one?" Lister asked, giving Rimmer the sad eyes.  
  
"Oh smeg off, Lister! I need to study for my exams!" Rimmer said in a bitter tone.  
  
"What's the use, Rimmer? You're just gonna' fail em', again!" He said, emphasizing the 'again'.  
  
"Not true!" Shouted Rimmer.  
  
"F-I-S-H! That's how you spell fish, Rimmer." Said Lister, puffing at his cigarette and blowing the smoke in Rimmer's face.  
  
Rimmer fanned the smoke away with his hand. "I can't take this anymore." Rimmer stepped off the bunk and out the door. There was only so much Lister he could take. The optimism, the retorts, the slobbiness, and if he had a pen, he would add smoking to the list! Where was his pen anyway? He would have to cross "Always has a pen" off his list of characteristics the next chance he got, too.  
  
Rimmer decided to go see if the post was here yet. Maybe his weekly death threats and junk mail would distract him from Lister. Rimmer opened up his mail box and emptied out the stack of envelopes that were inside. He went through them. Junk. Junk. Junk. Death Threat. Junk. Junk. Child support statement. Junk. Junk. Wait a minute. Child support statement?! Rimmer quickly ripped open the envelope and skimmed the lines. He was astonished. Apparently he owed 400 dollarpounds in child support! Rimmer crumpled up the paper. It must have been a mistake. He didn't have a child! Very far from it, in fact! Rimmer began to chuckle at the occurrence. Him, receiving a child support statement. It was too funny! The smile didn't last very long as he soon made his way back to his quarters that he shared with Lister. The smoke filled his lungs as he remembered why he had left in the first place. "LISTER!" he shouted, while choking.  
  
~  
  
Rimmer laid down for bed. Lister was already snoring away. Rimmer was finally beginning to get used to the hideous sound. Why was he forced to live with such a slob? Only smeg knew. It was absolutely insane what he had to put up with day after day, night after night. Rimmer shut his eyes, thinking back to earlier that afternoon. The notice he had gotten. What a stupid mistake. It must have been another Rimmer. The thought of him with a child. The thought of him even with a wife! Well. It wasn't a bad thought. Rimmer had just never met the right girl. The girl that didn't want to vomit at the sight of him. Rimmer sighed. The only time he had ever made love was that one afternoon. Yvonne McGruder. The ships female boxing champion. It only lasted 12 minutes. Recently he had gotten the news that she was kicked off Red Dwarf. No one quite knew why, but all they knew was that she was gone. The thought of the only woman who ever went to bed with him was gone made Rimmer only slightly upset. He never really knew her.  
  
It hit him. Maybe that child support statement wasn't a joke! He wasn't wearing a condom that day! It all made sense now. Yvonne McGruder getting kicked off the ship 9 months after that day, her weight problem. There were rumors she was beginning to get fat months after their. liaison. Rimmer sat up. She was somewhere sitting with a child, a single mother, and it was all his fault! 


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2  
  
  
  
Rimmer began to panic. Suddenly he had a son. One day he was a hopeless smeghead with a career going no where and in-growing toenails, and now he was a father! How the smegging smeg could he be a father? He just wasn't the fatherly type at all! What the smeg was he supposed to do? Should he just send her the money? Call her? Go and see the child? Rimmer got out of bed, he was way to awake for bed.  
  
Lister was fast asleep snoring like a foghorn.  
  
Rimmer went through his uniform trousers to find the child support statement. It was a good thing he hadn't thrown it away. He turned on a reading light and went through it. He was right. It was from her. There was her name printed on it. Yvonne McGruder.  
  
It wasn't like he didn't have the money, but he had to remember he was a selfish bastard! A dirt cheep selfish bastard! What if this was all a joke and she just wanted the money from him? There was an address printed on the notice. What would it hurt to call her? How did she even know he was the father? She hadn't remembered him at all after their brief sex. Months later he had introduced himself to her hoping maybe she would remember, but she hadn't. He was just another face in the crowd to her.  
  
With Lister snoring away in the background he finally managed to began to search for a phone number. Finally he found one. To call or not to call? He could just send the money and avoid any human contact. Just a bill now and then wouldn't hurt anything much, would it? He had 24 thousand dollarpounds after all. It wouldn't kill him. Besides, it wasn't his fault anyway. She was the one who wanted to make love to him. sort of.  
  
Rimmer sighed. What to do what to do. He picked up the phone and listened to the dial tone for a few moments. He dialed in the first couple digits, then the next. Only one to go. He shut his eyes, and finally pressed it and listened to it ring. He began to sweat. What could he say to her?  
  
"Hello?" The voice sounded so familiar to him. Kind and welcoming.  
  
He was silent.  
  
"Hello?" She said again, much less kind and welcoming this time.  
  
Rimmer gulped. Say something already, smeghead!  
  
"Hello?" this time she sounded irritated.  
  
"Hi." He mumbled.  
  
"Who is this?" She asked.  
  
He hesitated. "Its Arnold Rimmer."  
  
Now she was the one to pause. He had called her. "Oh." She mumbled. She was kind of hoping she wouldn't have to talk to him. Just maybe receive a check from him in the mail and that would be the end of it.  
  
"So. I hear you have a child." He said. Well no shit!  
  
"Yeah. I assume you got the statement I sent you." It was sad. Back on Red Dwarf she was carefree. She had fun. She had friends. She had men after her. Now she had none of that.  
  
"Yeah." He replied.  
  
Enough of the awkward conversation, there had to be a reason why he called. What was he going to make her do, guess?  
  
"He looks a lot like you, you know." She said.  
  
Arnold was surprised. "You remember what I look like?" he asked her.  
  
"Yeah, but it was hard at first." She said.  
  
They both took a deep breath. There was a long silence.  
  
"So. What's his name?" He asked.  
  
"Matthew." She answered.  
  
Another long silence.  
  
"Arnold. I really need the money from you. I live all alone here in an apartment and I can barley afford rent or food or diapers. All I'll need is need is just about 500 Dollarpounds from you a month. That should do it."  
  
Obviously she didn't want him to be a father. She would rather support him as a single mother then have him around. 


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter 3  
  
  
  
Rimmer didn't know why he was here, or how he could have been brought to agree to such a thing. The nearly empty shuttle took off from the massive lobster shaped ship down to the small silvery moon. She had eventually invited him to come and see his son, most likely just to avoid further phone conversation, so he had agreed to a weekend of planet leave.  
  
The shuttle made an abrupt halt on the surface or the moon on the landing platform. Rimmer and the few other occupants of the shuttle made their way down the metal stairway onto the flat concrete. Rimmer observed his surroundings. An icy breeze whooshed past Rimmer sending a shiver down his spine. He slowly walked across the landing platform.  
  
~  
  
Rimmer took the small crumpled piece of paper from his pocket with the address to her small sleazy apartment. According to it, it was a small worn down brick building that was just down the street. The building seemed to only be held together by sheer luck. Windows were broken. Graffiti occupied the walls and fire escapes. Rimmer cautiously walked through the door which was covered in duct tape because the glass had been broken. The ceiling had a number of leaks. Buckets collecting the water were scattered throughout the room. Rimmer opened the door to the stairs and began to make his way up as a distinct creaking sound accompanied his footsteps. He exited the staircase and onto her floor. The carpets were a nauseating shade of green. The echoes of a couple arguing filled the dimly lit hallway. He reached her door and knocked, still wondering why he was here. No answer. He knocked again, a bit louder this time. Still no answer. He took a moment to think. She had invited him down here to see his son. He had made it all the way down here and no she wasn't here? For smeg's sake! Rimmer banged over and over on the door. The rusted metal hinges threatened to break in half. Finally a small woman answered. She looked almost nothing like Yvonne. Her hair was shorter and messier. Her bosom seemed to sag. In her arms she held a tiny screaming baby boy. The room was small. Clothes were scattered everywhere. A small crib sat in the corner of the room. The couch had been folded out into a bed. The sheets of which had not been made. The room smelled of mold and diapers.  
  
"Sorry for keeping you." She said softly, inviting him in. Rimmer took a seat on the metal chair she had offered which was currently being used as a towel rack. Why had he been convinced to come here? Rimmer handed her the money he had been keeping in his pocket. 500 dollarpounds.  
  
Her eyes sparkled with unshed tears. "Thank you" She said softly. She dropped Matthew in his crib and exited into the small bathroom for a moment. Rimmer gazed over at his son dressed in nothing but a puffy white diaper. Brown food refuge covered his tiny little cheeks. For the briefest of moments his heart was warmed by the innocent infant. Matthew ceased his crying and screaming, The bathroom door slowly opened again and Rimmer snapped out of it, remembering where he was and why he was here.  
  
"Can I offer you anything?" She asked.  
  
What exactly did she have to offer him? "No thanks." He said.  
  
Yvonne noticed him staring at Mathew's crib. "Would you life to hold him?" She asked.  
  
Rimmer hesitated. He had never held a baby before. "S-sure."  
  
Yvonne lifted him out of the crib and into Rimmer's lap. He began to squirm. Rimmer watched, expecting him to burst into tears and go into a screaming fit life any other baby he got within 10 feet of. Instead, he began to play Rimmer's beige uniform tie. Mathew yanked on it, causing Rimmer's head to thrust forward. He heard Yvonne start to giggle. Instead of being angry, Rimmer began to feel a fatherly vibe. It was nothing like he had ever felt before. He had expected to feel miserable in this little hell hole with a baby boy nearly choking him, but instead he seemed almost happy. He was holding a fragile small child, letting it play with his own belongings, Belongings that happen to be attached to his body, and didn't seem to mind.  
  
"He likes you." Said Yvonne.  
  
The words rang in his head. 'he likes you.' A simple phrase that she had been used to saying to just about anyone who her baby was fold of, but it had a different meaning to Rimmer. For the first time someone, a human being, liked him. And that human being was his own son. The enormity of it was only beginning to sink in.  
  
After a few moments Mathew began to cry. Rimmer was suddenly alert, he quickly scooped him up and handed him back to Yvonne.  
  
"He wants to be rocked." She said, refusing to take him. Rimmer slowly pulled him back and looked at him from arms length. Tears streamed down his eyes as he continued to wale. Rimmer slowly took him close and rocked him back and forth. His crying slowed down and eventually stopped and he was asleep. 


	5. Chapter 4

AN: Hello there… remember me? Well… since Amnesia is done, and I was bored, and deprived of fic writing, I decided I would finish another unfinished story of mine, instead of leaving it forever unfinished. I particularly like this one… it makes me happy. Rimmer as a father, aww. Well, I hope you enjoy. I realize the last few chapters have some spelling mistakes, and such. I can imagine these will too, because spelling and grammar isn't my strongest of string points, especially me, being the bad typist I am. I think it has been over a year since I updated this. The writing style may be different. I don't know… all reviews appreciated!  
  
Rimmer laid motionless. He watched the shadows of the branches of the trees shine through the grimy window. That window was the only source of light. He could faintly hear the sound of a siren, and behind that sound, the slow, soft breathing of Yvonne. Once again he wasn't completely sure why he was here. That feeling had occurred over and over in his mind.   
  
When she had offered him some blankets in the corner of her one bedroom apartment to spend the night, she hadn't exactly been serious. She probably just didn't want to seem rude, especially since she had been the one to invite him. Rimmer had made an excuse about sleeping on floors being good for his back, and agreed to spend the night. Aside from not wanting to search for, and pay for a hotel for the night, Rimmer almost wanted to be here. Here with his son. His son who had been asleep for hours, under his colorful covers, decorated with Disney characters.  
  
A soft wheezing could soon he heard from the crib. Rimmer uncomfortably shifted positions, trying to determine if sleeping on his stomach would be more comfortable. It wasn't.  
  
The wheezing soon turned to crying. Matthew was crying. His son was crying. Rimmer sat up and peered over at Yvonne, who's sleep was not disturbed. He fixed his eyes back on his son. Through the very dim lighting, he could make out the tiny legs of the infant, kicking. He seemed to be fully awake now. Rimmer wondered if he should wake Yvonne. Let her know her son was crying. Maybe she could feed him, or change his diaper or something. He was completely clueless at what needed to be done.  
  
The crying continued. Every minute Rimmer contemplated sleep, all he could hear were the sobs of his son, piercing his ears. Yvonne's slumber remained undisturbed. Rimmer slowly rose from his disheveled pile of blankets, and softly walked over to the crib, trying not to creek the floorboards too loudly. Rimmer peered over the edge of the crib. Matthew gave him a sideways glance, sobs beginning to slow down. Rimmer reached into the crib, and instinctively lifted Matthew into his arms. The sobs soon turned into heavy breathing, then ceased. Rimmer felt an odd sense of satisfaction. By lifting up the child it had stopped crying.  
  
"Matt?" Came a soft voice from the other side of the room.  
  
"He's Ok." Said Rimmer, softly. With a smug smile on his face. He slowly retired Matthew from the awkward position in his arms, back to his cradle and pulled his covers back over to him.  
  
"Rimmer?" She said sleepily and confused.  
  
"He's Ok." Rimmer repeated, saying it more to himself than to her. He's Ok.  
  
"You put him back to sleep, did you?" She said, just above a whisper.  
  
"…yes." Rimmer replied.  
  
"I thought I was the only one who could do that…" She said, with an uneasy tone.  
  
~  
  
Rimmer awoke the next morning. His back aching as if a 500 pound lady had belly danced on it the previous evening. He woke to find Yvonne in the kitchen area, and Matt sitting up in a high chair.  
  
"Good Morning." She said in a cheerful tone.  
  
"Morning." he mumbled. Rimmer stretched out, trying to relieve some of his back pain. The floor had obviously not had the effect he had wanted. That and the fact that he had only gotten about 2 hours of sleep.  
  
Yvonne still had a gray cotton nightgown on. It was rather unflattering. Her blonde hair was in a frizzy mess, and her face was soft shade of pale.  
  
"I was thinking maybe today we could go for a walk in the park." She said, without certainty.  
  
Rimmer nodded.  
  
There was a firm knock at the door. 


End file.
